Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
