Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
