There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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