Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
