Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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