I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
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anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.