I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
do herpes really smell.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.