Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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