oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
