I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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