I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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