He had one of those small greek statue penises
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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