Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
two words...techno handjob
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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