in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
