sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
