4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
please come you make the beer taste better
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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