I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
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Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...