Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
