Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
