Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
