You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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