Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
