I'm drive I can fine osifer
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
