Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
