hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
