your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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