My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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