well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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