I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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