a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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