He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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