i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I did not marry a roomba.
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