I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
