Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
