I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
