i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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