he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
