You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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