Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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