We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
