Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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