Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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