The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
