One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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