I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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