I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
