I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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