my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
