peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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