my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
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Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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