1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
