I wish they made helmets for livers.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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