You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
this will be a night to untag.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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