I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
