i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
