i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
