woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
