i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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